Oyako Rankan fan translation critique

Originally posted on HongFire on 10/4/15 (mirrored here for archival purposes)

I took a look at the first 19 lines (~3 minutes) of the Oyako Rankan prologue translation. I noted some minor and serious translation errors in 3/19 lines (16%), as documented below. Keep in mind my own grasp of the language is fairly primitive, and I'm by no means qualified to actually translation check in any sort of professional manner.

Ras Alhague: ...though the luxury of the Kamishiro household, as well as the legendary beauty of its women, are enough to make many men eager to take part in the Feast.
Me: The beauty of Kamishiro women and the sensuous feel of their bodies drew eager throngs of men to participate in the Feast.
(Error: mistook 床での具合のよさ for a comment on the quality of the furniture)

Ras Alhague: For very long, people came to believe that the "Feast" was no more than a mere legend, but this is starting to change.
Me: That year, at a time when the legend of the Feast had begun to fade into a mere urban legend...
(Error: Misunderstood 変化しつつあったある as a change happening now rather than a change in progress that is now being reversed)

Ras Alhague: [Mayor] She's my daughter, raised in the village as per the contract.
Me: [Mayor] To fulfill the present contract, I offer this child, a girl who was raised in the village.
(Error: Misunderstood generic 娘 as daughter--a really critical and potentially plot-altering error!)

These mistakes appear to reflect a poor understanding of the source language, resulting in fundamental misunderstandings of the situations and setting. No amount of editing or polish would be able to fix them, as non-Japanese speakers would not be able to identify these errors. I happened to be going through the translated script and I noticed that certain details didn't match up with my memory of the scene.

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